A Few More Good Ones

"Sir, if you were my husband I would poison your drink."
                                  - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it."
                                   - his reply


"When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading."
                                   - Henny Youngman


"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
                                   - Rodney Dangerfield


"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
                                    -Humphrey Bogart


"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."
                                     -Anonymous


"Some people ask for the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
                                      -Henny Youngman

And finally...

This exchange between Groucho Marx and a female contestant on his television show You Bet Your Life:

Groucho: "You have twenty-two children! Why do you have so many children? That's a big responsibility and a big burden."

Woman: "Well, because I love children, and I think that's our purpose here on earth, and I love my husband."

Groucho: "I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."